I spent two hours on Saturday talking to Mum about why I am in Portugal.
She said that as you get older, you realise how important it is to have family memories, and family to share them with.
Course I had been up all night Friday being sick, which is the only time I really just want my Mum ;)!
But Mum said it’s the family stories that shape who you are…and I agreed with her, but who I am, was built on the memories I have here in Portugal…
The person I am now, was shaped in Portugal.
There is a part of me that always thought I would go back to Australia. But there is also a part of me that always thought I would have a family of my own, kids of my own…
When those things don’t seem to turn out…you start holding onto the things that you do know…
I know that I love to ride, I know that I love my friends, I know that I love who I am, and sure there are things about me that I would love to change, but there is nothing that I am ashamed of.
Today Ulisses my older Lusitano left for the UK, and it felt like losing a mate…My horses were my family in Portugal, when I knew no-one.
I relied on them, to be there. Mum always used to tell me not to get attached to my horses, but that is impossible.
Maybe it was just the massive headache from the flu, but I didn’t know how to answer mums questions about Australia. Course she misses me, and we have the same talk every year around christmas when I start to get “saudades” and she feels I am not myself.
But she knows that I associate Australia with the person that I was, and all the memories that go with it…She knows too, that that is all bullshit, because of course if I went home now I would stay as strong and as independent as I am now, just with my family around me.
But do I need that? No, I don’t. I love my life. People too often do the thing that sounds right, or is right for everyone else…I spent 15 years doing everything that was right for everybody else, and I was miserable.
It seems contradictory, but doing the right thing, can actually be the worst thing for you.
Mum said, that I am a person who always thinks about making other people happy. That may seem like a good thing, but it’s not. Staying in Portugal was the most selfish thing I have ever done, and it was a surprise to most people who had seen me work everyday on the farm since I was little, not because I was suppose to, but because I wanted to.
Are you someone who always does what is expected of you?
Or are you someone who only ever thinks about themselves?
If you read the two above you might think the second is worse, but I admire the people who fall into the second category, and even more the ones who can find a balance between the two.
Mum tells me often that I could afford to be a bit more selfish in my thinking, to tell people NO, to not justify or apologise…It’s easier said than done, but I will keep working on it 😉
So when I say to mum that I might want to stay in Portugal, I think that she is not at all disappointed, because actually she knows that whatever I decide, it will be for me,and that’s actually all she ever wanted.