Saudade…

“Saudade” is a word that only exists in Portuguese. Although there is no direct English translation it is best described as a longing for an absent something or someone that one loves, and carries with it a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return.

Referred to as “the love that remains” after someone is gone, saudade also covers the deep sadness that follows after something is lost, the joy of remembering what once was, and even the deep fear of losing what still is.

I think of it not as just the thought “I miss that or I miss someone” but more the physical feeling that goes with it.

I also associate it with remembering the past, but the problem with remembering is we often alter it according to our mood or mindset at the time.

If we are missing someone from our past, we will remember all the good things, and see them in a better light than what would be realistically possible and what we know to be true.

I remember my father as if he was perfect, no flaws or faults, when in reality that is just what I wish to hold on to.

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Mum used to say it to her four years to have another child because she could finally look back at her first pregnancy and forget how painful it was.

When I take time off riding I just remember all the amazing times with Batialo, and then when I get back on he lets me down again, and the cycle continues.

I have found that everyone has that one person that guides them in life. It can be a parent or grandparent or even an uncle, someone that they feel they can say anything to without being judged or rejected.

My mum is that person for me and I miss her when I’m away, but I don’t really miss home.

I only feel “saudade” for Australia when I’m sick and on the other side of the world and as much as I hate to admit it I want mum to be there for me.

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I think that is a positive thing. I used to push everyone away but now I actually appreciate so much when people just ask if I’m ok. They know that I would do the same for them, and that somehow makes me feel less alone.

Someone told me recently that we are all alone, but it’s those moments when you are with someone else, or other people, and for just that moment you don’t feel as if it’s just you and the world, because you are there in that moment, together.

Saudade for all those moments that we don’t feel alone, saudade for the thought of losing that, and saudade for the someones we lost already.

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