Recently I have been really down on myself. I think at some point everyone feels like they could have been more, done more. I hate regret but quite often we tell ourselves that if we had of done this, or been this, then we could have been where we want to be.
I have had pain for as long as I can remember. I am still not used to it. I still expect that I will wake up one day and it will be gone and I think the disapointment is as much of a pain as the pain itself.
I have been told that If I stop riding I won’t have pain, but what life would I live? Horse riding is for me more natural than walking. I honestly can’t imagine what it feels like for someone who has never ridden, to sit on a horse for the first time. For me it’s like breathing.
It’s important during these times to remember how far you have come. When I came to Portugal I was in a really low place, and I used to be one of those people that worried about what people thought of her. I didn’t like dressing up or going out, I didn’t want to really be seen. Having a dream can quite often give you something greater to strive for, and in spite of whatever failure you face this is what you get out of going after what you want.
I used to be weak, physically and mentally, and somehow, I managed to change into someone strong, someone who others believe in, because I believe in myself.
Yesterday someone said that I am the only person she knows who has no feeling for anyone or anything, and nothing could be further from the truth. I guess that means that my strength often allows me to hide my true feelings, and I am not sure that is a good thing.
The truth is, despite being strong, I still feel failure. Everybody does. And over the last few weeks I have questioned again whether or not I can physically cope with my horse and his personality.
As I await some rather important MRI results, I have to remind myself how far I’ve come. Horse riders are quite often perfectionists, and if we don’t get it right, when we wanted to get it right, we feel somehow like we have failed.
Don’t wait for someone else’s approval or praise…Horse riders also learn very very early to dust themselves off and get back on that horse, which is a piece of advice to follow both physically and metaphorically speaking ;).